


Our Reason

by orphan_account



Category: I Never Saw Another Butterfly
Genre: Cuddling, Czechoslovakia, F/M, Fluff, Holocaust, Honza - Freeform, Irena - Freeform, Poetry, Raja - Freeform, Terezin, cuteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 04:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9583025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Raja and Honza meet inside a shed in the middle of the night.There, they discover the reason that despite all the horrid things rampant in Terezin, neither of them want to die.





	

Raja, as usual, barely slept.

She tossed and turned in the middle of the night, around and around until her side hurt from the constant movement on the wooden bunk. It was colder than she had ever remembered it being in Terezin, and her fingers felt as if they were about to freeze off of her hands. She shivered in her bunk, a shawl covering her knees and hands. It never helped much, but she had no other choices.

She was starving. Her stomach was almost caving in on itself. She had not eaten much of anything at all in four days, and the most she had consumed was a bowl of salty, watery soup. She wanted so badly to escape Terezin, but she knew there was nothing to give her hope beyond the barbed-wire fences.

The last yellow butterfly she had seen so long ago was probably dead and gone by now.

After much internal debate, Raja gave up and pushed her frail body out of the bunk, getting up to go to the shed. It was warmer there, and maybe the temperature would help her to finally fall asleep.

Or maybe Honza had left her another piece of fresh bread. Maybe.

She picked up the shawl she had been using as a blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders in a vain attempt to shield her from the biting cold outside. She walked to the shed where she and Honza always met to make copies of Vedem, or even just enjoy each other's company.

When she opened the door, she heard a footstep from inside, which caused her to jump back in fright and turn around, starting to sprint back down the path she came by. A familiar voice called after her, barely audible beyond the sounds of rocks crunching beneath Raja's boots.

"Wait, Raja! It's me."

Raja turned, seeing Honza looking at her from behind the shed door. She shivered, unable to make out more than a silhouette of him in the darkness, but knowing that he was there. Her heart suddenly dropped in her chest, and she let out a weak sigh of relief, running to Honza and wrapping her arms around him, pulling herself close to his body.

"What are you doing here? You scared me, Honza," Raja whispered, her head resting on his shoulder as she held him close.

Honza half-shrugged. "I was writing out a new copy of Vedem," he replied mindlessly, rubbing Raja's back in an effort to calm her. "You're freezing."

Another chill ran down Raja's spine at the thought. She reluctantly pulled away from Honza and pulled the shed door closed behind them, sitting down on the ground, leaning up against the wall. She pulled her shawl closer to her body, but the fabric was even colder than her skin.

Honza finally broke the silence, sitting next to Raja. "You shouldn't be out this late. Guards are everywhere, and I don't know what I would do-"

"Honza, I'm fine," Raja insisted, brushing a thin strand of hair behind her ear. Her fingers trembled as she did so, and Honza noticed this. As Raja brought her hand down, Honza slipped his hand into hers. Raja pulled away, but not without a fight. After a moment, Raja looked Honza in the eyes for the first time that night, and spoke, quieter than ever.

"Nothing is wrong, please don't keep looking at me like something is wrong. I just wanted to..." Raja began, stopping herself before she could utter another word. "I... I was cold. It's warmer in here."

Honza smiled slightly, looking at his feet. They were bare and covered in dirt, but Honza and Raja were both used to it by now. Dirt had become a regularity in Terezin. 

"You wanted to what?" Honza asked, looking up at Raja. He could tell Raja was staring at him, but the moment their eyes met, Raja's wide, brown eyes immediately averted their gaze and Raja focused on a space on the floor intently, trying to avoid drawing Honza's attention.

"I told you," Raja repeated, "I was cold."

Honza sighed. "Irena gave me another assignment to work on during any time I had to spare. It's another poem. This one isn't as hard to write as the last."

Raja finally made eye contact with Honza, her tired eyes gazing intently at the older boy. "Yes? I know you refuse to call yourself a poet, but I know you have a gift. Irena knows, too."

Honza smiled a little bit, noticing that the small strand of hair had fallen from behind Raja's ear back in front of her face. Just as Raja reached up to push it back herself, Honza brushed it back behind her ear for her, in silence. After a moment of quiet, Raja prompted Honza to continue, and he did without question.

"You see, it's hard for me to write about things I do not care about. When I can write about things I care about, I suddenly want to write poetry."

Raja blinked, her eyelids heavy, but not heavy enough for her to want to sleep. She only smiled and asked, "What is it about? The boys' home? I know you have many things to care about there."

Honza took Raja's hand into his, and this time, Raja was too weak to decline, so she leaned into Honza's side and rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. She felt significantly warmer now that she was closer to Honza, and she didn't know if it was because the shed was warmer or if Honza somehow changed the pit of cold fear in her stomach to an indescribable warmth, making her feel like life was suddenly worth living.

"Not exactly," Honza replied. "Do you want to go to sleep? I can walk you back to the girls' home if you would like..."

Raja shook her head. "No, no," she insisted. "I want to stay here, please."

Honza laughed slightly, taking Raja's hand with an incredibly gentle touch. "Alright," he whispered. "I will stay here with you, if you want."

Raja nodded sleepily. "Read me your poem," she requested weakly and quietly. Honza obliged, beginning to recite the poem from memory.

"I wait each day  
for night to come,  
because that is when we meet.  
And even if only for a moment,  
I get to see her eyes  
and that is enough.  
I hope that one day, we will both escape together."

Honza choked, a tinge of pain in his voice. He continued, tears threatening to fall.

"But even if we cannot,  
even if she is safe and I am not,  
she will remember me  
and I will remember her  
beyond the day we part."

Raja's heart sank when she heard even the first word of the poem. It was about her. 

It hurt her too much to think about losing Honza. They had known each other for far too long now, and, despite Raja's reluctance to admit it, she truly did love him. 

Raja bit down on her lip hard, in an effort to hold back tears. She felt so many things that she couldn't even place, but all of them screamed one thing: she couldn't lose him. She wouldn't let go of what they had, and she refused to leave Honza. She would never leave him.

"Are you asleep?" Honza asked, wiping a tear from his cheek before it fell and drew the younger girl's attention. "Raja, we should walk back to the barracks before we both fall asleep and get caught here in the morning-"

Raja cut Honza off with a tear-filled hug, sobbing into his shirt. "I don't want to die, Honza," Raja choked. "I can't lose you..."

Honza pulled Raja closer to him and allowed Raja to cry into his chest. "It will all be alright," he whispered, holding her close to his body. Raja attempted to stop her shoulders from heaving with her sobs, but the attempt was unsuccessful, and Raja remained completely shattered, trying to hold on to the last bit of composure she had buried deep inside her.

"I'm a coward," Raja whispered guiltily. "I'm afraid, but I can't imagine living without you... please tell me nothing will happen to us..."

Honza wanted to reassure Raja that they would be alright, but he refused to lie to the broken girl. He refused to increase her pain. "I can't make any promises, Raja," he whispered, stroking her hair. Raja felt Honza's gentle touch and allowed the rhythm of his movements to soothe her and stop her tears. She was not completely calm, but she was no longer trembling, and Honza could tell.

"Why won't you tell me?" Raja asked, shifting positions so she was looking out into the darkness of the shed. She pulled her shawl up to her cheek and wiped away the last trace of her tear. "What are you trying to avoid saying to me?"

Honza shook his head, taking Raja's hand tenderly into his. "I would never avoid telling you anything," he said quietly, guiltily. "I just... I do not want to lie to you."

Raja looked at the ground, focusing on the one point she could see. "Irena does," she said, "She lies, and we know it. And sometimes, though I hate to admit it, I start to believe her."

"I know," Honza sympathized. "And I believe her, too... sometimes. But that is what she does. She tries to keep us all in another world where no one ever dies and everyone paints and writes without fear. She doesn't want us to understand, but we do."

Raja sighed, almost defeatedly. "Why would she do that?" She asked, her head aching slightly from trying to make out clear images in the dark shed. 

Honza shrugged. "Maybe she's never loved someone as much as I love you. Maybe that's why she does not know the full potential of life."

Raja looked up at Honza, pulling away slightly so she could see his face and he could see hers.

"I love you, too, Honza."

The moment those words escaped her lips, Raja's heart began to race, not in a nervous way, as opposed to out of sheer relief. Honza's cheeks reddened by a shade or two, and despite the lack of light, Raja could tell.

Honza smiled slightly, hearing Raja and knowing that she shared the same love for him as he felt for the younger girl. He moved closer to her, and Raja followed suit. 

Slowly, very slowly, Honza brought his lips to Raja's. Raja kissed him back, closing her eyes as she did. Suddenly, she was washed over by that indescribable warmth, the same warmth she thought she felt from being next to Honza alone, but this time, it was so much more and stronger and made her limbs feel heavy with the weight of her adrenaline. The bitter chill of the inside of the shed was instantly forgotten. All that mattered in that very moment was Honza.

It took a moment for the two to relinquish the kiss, but when they did, Raja felt a completely different sort of nervous. Not the kind of nervous she felt when Irena instructed her to read her writing to the group, or the kind of nervous that was pitted so deep in her stomach and only ever showed itself when a new transport notice was posted, no. Not the kind of nervous she felt when she heard Honza's footsteps inside the shed and mistook him for a guard. It was far from any of that. This sort of nervous was mixed with adrenaline and unbelievable joy, such a feeling that Raja was not sure if it was right to experience, especially for the first time in a dark, cold shed in the middle of the night.

But she did not question it, she just relished every moment of this feeling, and she could tell that Honza's heart was beating in sync with hers.

"Are you alright?" Honza asked, adjusting the shawl Raja wore.

"Of course," Raja replied, blushing a bright shade of crimson. "Honza, that was wonderful."

"I love you so much," Honza whispered, pulling Raja into a hug. This time, there was no guilt or fear involved in their embrace, it was only love. There was nothing to fear in love.

Raja smiled subtly as Honza rubbed her back with a gentle touch, making her want to sleep. She mentally refused to sleep, though, because she wanted with every bit of her heart to spend more time with Honza.

"We should walk back to the barracks soon, we don't know when the sun will come up," Honza said, a tinge of sadness in his voice. Raja's heart sank at that thought, knowing that she would have to let go and risk having to wait days to see Honza again.

"No, I can't go yet," Raja insisted, hugging Honza back lightly. "Just a moment longer, please."

Honza smiled, perfectly content with sitting in silence in the cold shed for a moment longer, as long as he had Raja to keep him warm.

So they stayed inside the shed, appreciating each other's company. Raja, at some point before they parted that night, remembered something Irena said, addressing the children. She said that each of us had a place in the world; each person had a reason they are alive.

And they had found their reason.


End file.
